Remember when your mother told you never to take candy from a stranger?
This is who she was talking about:
Cruel Wedding Night Prank
•October 7, 2010 • Leave a Comment
This actually happened to me. Seriously.
The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals – A carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed – with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom’s buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK.
BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY,
I’M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY.
*****As with all of my “keepers”, I did not write this. I simply found it to be worthy of sharing! MR
For Sale: Slightly Used Taser
•October 5, 2010 • 2 CommentsI bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my retirement, and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket purse-sized Taser gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
If you’ve never seen one of these things in action then you’re truly missing out; it’s way too cool! I’ve seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this handheld one for civilians.
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don’t need no stinkin’ directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
I learned that if I pushed the button, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did it. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!! Yipeeeeee… I’m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, “no way!” Trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight– always twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and *&%$$#$@##@!!!!!
I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
The cat was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t lodge one of the prongs 1/4″ deep in your thigh like yours truly. That hurt!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or two, I’m pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward. They’re round. Miss ’em…! Sure would like to get ’em back.
I wonder what retirement day two will bring?
*****As with all of my “keepers”, I did not write this. I simply found it to be worthy of sharing! MR
Time For Me To Fly
•October 4, 2010 • 2 CommentsThere is a very fine line between faith and foolishness. Sometimes it’s hard to discern the difference. For quite a while now I’ve been planting the seeds of my own business in anticipation of one day going out on my own. Recently, I have been presented with a business opportunity that is simply too good to pass up. And yet, while the dollars and cents of things makes this a no-brainer on my end, I have also worked hard to seek out God’s will for my life in this regard. He knows this is what I want to happen, but what does He want to happen? Often, it’s hard to tell. As the father of three, there are big time responsibilities to consider as well.
This past week, I had reached the point where I was contemplating submitting my resignation at “the day job”. The effort I was putting into my new projects was beginning to conflict with my regular duties at work, and I was beginning to become convicted of the conflict of interest. But there was one major piece of the puzzle that had yet to fall into place – one that I swore would be in place before I would resign. I was completely unsure of what to do. I left the house on the day I was hoping to resign, resigned to wait another few days. I had interpreted certain events from that morning as God’s way of telling me to wait.
However, after getting into my car and driving just a few houses down the street, I noticed something on my driver’s side windshield wiper. It was a beautiful Monarch butterfly (which happens to be my favorite). I immediately pulled over and got out. At first, I thought it might be injured, as I blew on it and waved my hand around it and it did not fly away. But then I put my open hand right down next to it and it climbed right on. We looked at each other, the butterfly and I, for about 15 seemingly long seconds. And then, the butterfly flew away.
In that moment, I knew what I had to do. You can believe whatever you want to believe, but I believe that God used that beautiful creature to make me understand that as far as He was concerned, it was time for me to spread my wings and fly. And so I have…
Suddenly, it’s so amazing to turn and look back at the path that has brought me here – lined with opportunities and open doors, one-time obstacles that became stepping stones, and changes of direction that could only have come from the guiding hand of God. It took the totality of all of the events and trials I have been through to both bring me to and prepare me for this new and exciting chapter in my life.
It’s so easy to become consumed by the din and pace of our every day lives that we miss the gentle leading of our Lord. It would have been so easy for me to just keep on driving that morning, knowing that once I got up to 20 mph or so, that butterfly would have blown off on its own. This time, thankfully, I was listening. I was on high alert for the guidance I so desperately needed. As usual, God came through in the most unsuspected and mysterious way.
Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind – 10-1-10
•October 1, 2010 • 1 Comment
I think there should be a cartoon about a Native American Pig named Porkahontas.
That’s What It’s All About – Chapter 16 of It’s Not About the Wedding
•September 30, 2010 • 3 CommentsSo, if it’s not about the wedding or the cake or the honeymoon, or any of the things we’ve eliminated thus far, what is it all about?
Copyright photoinspiration at zazzle.com
It’s about the relationship, pure and simple. Nurture the relationship and create something you want to be a part of forever. Instead of focusing on “what life will be like” or “what might happen when”, develop a way of life and loving a certain person until you find yourself saying, “This, this is what I want, who I want to be with, and how I want to live my life.” When you look at this person, do you think “I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this person” or do you think “I can’t imagine my life without this person?” There is a big difference.
It’s also about trust. Don’t be afraid to ask the difficult questions before you get engaged, or at least while you’re engaged. That doesn’t mean you need a prenuptial agreement. You simply need to get to know someone deeply. A husband and wife should be best friends. They should be able to say or ask anything of each other. There must be no secrets. This sounds simple, but it’s not. Remove the filter. Go on a date where you pretend you will never see the other person again after that night. When I first met my wife, we went out to dinner under the agreement that it wasn’t a date (because I had stated that I wasn’t ready to date anyone). Because of the laid back nature of this “faux date”, we talked about things we would never have discussed had we been under the typical first date spell of trying to impress the other person with only our best attributes. I think we knew more about each others’ true selves after that one evening than most people do after a year of dating.
Along these same lines, you can not afford to focus only on the good in your relationship. As awkward as it may be, you must have a conversation about (or write down and share notes about) what you see as flaws or annoyances or potential areas of concern with your partner. You must address this before you are married. Once you’ve made such a list, ask yourself if these same things/issues can be found within yourself. Sometimes, you don’t recognize your own flaws until you see them in someone else. Yes, this could lead to some uncomfortable moments, but they won’t be nearly as uncomfortable now as they will be if they fester until after the wedding. You really want to try to avoid having “make up sex” on your honeymoon.
Now that we mention it, life is not a honeymoon. You will likely face some unimaginably difficult times together. Do you really simply want the prettiest girl or the most handsome guy by your side, or do you want someone who knows you inside and out and who you know will stand by you through thick and thin. The reality is that most young newlyweds don’t have a clue. It’s unpleasant to think about the cruelties of life. You will probably face financial hardships and/or job-related issues at some point. There will most likely be the loss of a parent. For some, there is the loss of a child. You could struggle to become pregnant and start the family you’ve dreamed of. One of you could even become ill or face a life-threatening disease. I realize that these are not the happy thoughts that surround a wedding, but they should be included among the thoughts and discussions of those who are considering getting married. Is this the person you want by your side for these scenarios? Are you the one who will hold up this person when they are too weak to stand on their own?
A wedding is not the goal. It is not a destination. It is not the answer to a question. It will not change a person. It will not solve a problem. A wedding should be the result of something bigger – a celebration not only of what is to come, but of what has already been achieved and discovered through hard work, introspection, and the building of a strong relationship.
Think of a wedding as the sendoff party for the maiden voyage of a great ship. It doesn’t matter how big the party is, how many people come, how much confetti falls, what great words are spoken, or how many wealthy or famous people climb on board. If the ship is not equipped to handle the rough seas, icebergs, and other unknown obstacles that lie ahead, it will not get far. It’s not about the party. It’s about the ship. Make sure yours is seaworthy before you set sail.
So, as you pursue your own fairy tale wedding, keep one foot grounded in the real world. Don’t ignore the red flags and warning signs. Realize that just because you can plan a wedding doesn’t mean you are ready to be married. Most important of all, remember that any wedding that doesn’t focus on what is real is just that – a fairy tale.
It’s Not About Saving Face – Chapter 15 of It’s Not About the Wedding
•September 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment
Betrothal is another way of saying, “engaged to be married”. Historically, betrothal was a literal, formal contract, blessed or officiated by a religious authority. Betrothal was as binding as marriage, and a divorce was necessary to terminate it. Betrothed couples were regarded legally as husband and wife – even before their wedding and physical union. Modern day engagement is not betrothal.
In Chapter 2, I mentioned a now divorced friend who said to me, “Once the wedding plans start it’s like a runaway train.” I can readily admit that in my first go ‘round, once I was engaged to be married, I began to feel slightly trapped, as if I was already married no matter what. This is not a good thing. As difficult as it sounds (and is), each of you has to have an understanding that everything up until “I do” is a trial run. This is not a done deal. You can back out.
One example that hits very close to home is my maternal grandparents, Harlan and Florence Snyder. You see, when they met, Florence was engaged to someone else. This was a long time ago, mind you, in the late 1930’s. Still, she listened to and followed her heart, and broke off the engagement with Mr. Wrong. I’m incredibly grateful that she did. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here.
I know more than one couple that was having big, big problems in the months, weeks, and days leading up to their weddings, and yet they went through with it. Predictably, these marriages quickly failed. One couple even knew that they would get an annulment after the wedding, but they couldn’t bear to face the embarrassment and expense of calling it off. It was all a show, and no one knew it but the bride and groom. I wonder if they kept the gifts?
A while back, a close friend was engaged to be married one October. As he and I began to talk in more depth about the state of his relationship with his fiancée, I became very worried about the impending nuptials. The things I was hearing reminded me of my own unsuccessful first marriage, and I feared that the aforementioned runaway train of wedding plans would overshadow the clear need for counseling and/or intervention. I shared with this friend some text from what is now Chapter 2 of this book, and some of it really hit home.
A few weeks before it was to take place, the two of them wisely decided to postpone their wedding. That was not an easy thing to do. Invitations had been sent to all of their closest friends and family, many of whom had already booked their flights and hotel rooms. Reservations and deposits had been made for all of the wedding details and services. At this point, the “happy” couple had to send out new announcements indicating that they had decided to postpone the wedding. They did so with all of the class and grace in the world.
While I’m certain that one or both of them thought the relationship might be over for good at this point, they eventually realized that it was worth their time, effort, and money to save it. Several months of counseling brought them to “a completely different place” in their understanding of one another. The next announcement they sent out said, “With great joy we have set a new wedding date.” What a contrast to the uneasiness and uncertainty with which they were approaching their original wedding date. Was it worth the embarrassment and expense of calling things off the first time? Absolutely. I was there to celebrate with them as they were married the following April, and that “great joy” was evident on their faces.
The choice is yours: You can have an “uncomfortable” conversation or two before you tie the knot, or you can have many, many uncomfortable conversations in the years to come. You obviously care for this person or you wouldn’t have gotten engaged in the first place. It would seem as if you care enough to do this right or not at all.
24 Truths About Life. Seriously.
•September 27, 2010 • 5 Comments1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
As with all of my “keepers”, I didn’t write these. I simply found them to be worthy of sharing.
It’s Not About the Honeymoon – Chapter 14 of It’s Not About the Wedding
•September 23, 2010 • Leave a Comment
Do an internet search for “honeymoon horror stories” and you will quickly learn that things don’t always go according to plan. No matter how much you plan or how much money you spend, this may become your first adventure together in more ways than one.
One couple had waded into the beautiful waters of Los Cabos, Mexico for not more than two minutes when the husband was bitten by a jellyfish. Thirty minutes later, he and his bride were on the way to the hospital in an ambulance. Another poor sap lost his wedding ring playing beach volleyball. Then there was the couple who went out for a nice honeymoon dinner only to learn that their credit cards had been maxed out with wedding expenses.
Scenarios like these are actually a great way to test your newly permanent relationship! Obviously, no one wants the honeymoon to be over before it even begins. We all want that perfect honeymoon just like we want that perfect wedding, but honeymoons, like life, can be unpredictable. Try to find the humor in any situation. If you can’t laugh about it now, just realize that you’ll probably laugh about it later.
Many couples postpone their honeymoons indefinitely. Some simply can’t afford them after all of the wedding expenses. Others can’t afford to take time off from work. Some are simply too excited about getting settled into their new home and new life together. Instead, they choose to lock the doors, light the candles, turn on the tunes, and spend some quality time together. Oh, and they save the nearly $4000 the average couple spends on their honeymoon.
The point is that it doesn’t matter if you wind up in Bora Bora or Breckenridge, Paris, France or Paris, Texas, Hollywood or Dollywood. What matters is that you enjoy the company you are with. Extravagant honeymoons are not really representative of the life most people live. Don’t get too used to the pool boys and room service. When you get home, you will still have to do the dishes and laundry, but you will have a new and wonderful helper.
My Favorite Day With You
•September 23, 2010 • 1 Comment
My Favorite Day With You
Today is my favorite day with you
At least until the day is through
Then tomorrow will become the best
Until that day is laid to rest
And I will then look forward to
My favorite day with you
Like morning waiting on the sunrise
The unveiling of the reason it exists
My heart begins to race
Each time I see your face
And I know that all I am was made for this
Today is my favorite day with you
At least until the day is through
Then tomorrow will become the best
Until that day is laid to rest
And I will then look forward to
My favorite day with you
With night comes sweet anticipation
When I’ll dream of all the memories yet to make
Although my eyes are closed
My soul already knows
Of the joy I’ll find the moment I awake
Today is my favorite day with you
At least until the day is through
Then tomorrow will become the best
Until that day is laid to rest
And I will then look forward to
My favorite day with you
© 2010 Marcus Rowe
Little Drops of Nectar 