Tihs is altuoselby amzanig!

•March 31, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I thought this was absolutely amazing. Can you read the text below?

Olny srmat poelpe can.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mind. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch sduty at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are. The olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

If you can raed tihs psas it on !!

**As with all of my “keepers”, I did not write this.  I simply found it to be worth sharing.

The Hand You’re Holding, Part 2

•March 30, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Mugging for the camera.

One of the first posts I wrote for this blog was called, “In cards and love, it’s all about the hand you’re holding“.  It was the first of many posts I’ve written about my wonderful wife.  Although, I’ve been a bit remiss in not praising her publicly over the past 6 months or so.  We’ve been living life “out on the limb” for the past 6 months, and it has been a challenge on many fronts.  Thankfully, our relationship has not been one of those challenges.  She makes my life so much easier.  I have simply never met a better person.

We’ve spent months with very little income, having to borrow money at times, but allowing ourselves to dream a bit of a future we believe God has in store for us.  Though there are still major challenges in the days to come, she never waivers.  Her faith builds mine.  She does not complain.  She does not criticize.  She builds me up.  Although I have not made the most seamless transition from full-time employment to self-employment, she keeps me looking at the big picture, and reminds me that not a single thing that happens surprises God.

I recently gave her a card that I thought put it absolutely perfectly.  It read, “You are the one who…  Finds my stuff…  loves my quirks…  takes my side…  knows my stories…  gets my jokes…  soothes my worries…  finishes my sentences…  The one who makes all my days better…  and makes me a better me.”

Though some would call it “cheesy” or “sappy”, I find it beautiful and wonderful that both of the Valentine’s Day cards we gave each other mentioned the fact that we are best friends.  And we are.  Although I dream of traveling the world with her, we have yet to take a honeymoon (married 2 and a half years).  Although I dream of fixing up the house we share, we were warm (mostly) and dry all winter.  The truth is that when the transformer blows and kills our microwave; when a rat dies in the basement, and we don’t know it for a week (when she notes and identifies the odor); when the windows leak both water and cold, cold air; — whatever life may and will bring our way — there is no one I would rather have on my side, and there is no hand I would rather hold to walk through this life.

Hallowed Be No More

•March 11, 2011 • 2 Comments

I was just watching a little March Madness on television and saw a commercial for the upcoming Masters golf tournament.  The narrator, Jim Nance, I believe, spoke of the “hallowed ground” at Augusta.  It brought to mind a thought that has crossed my mind more than a few times in recent years.  We, the modern society of America, have no real idea of what words like “hallowed” mean.

Just as the word “awesome” has become so grossly over-used that it bears very little resemblance to what it meant 30 years ago, “hallowed” has seemingly lost its effect.  I dare say there’s not a kid under the age of 10 who could effectively and accurately define what “awe” means.  The same goes for “hallowed”.  They will only think they know, because they have seen Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows.

It is often asked, “Is nothing sacred?”  Sadly, no, not really.  Not for most people.  Most kids are being raised with a healthy respect for nothing but themselves.  And while it is very important to instill self-respect within a child, it is equally, if not more important to instill within a child reverential respect for something greater than them – greater than this world.

I am reminded of a Contemporary Christian song by MercyMe called, “I Can Only Imagine”.  The song is describing the scene when the narrating Christian sees Jesus in Heaven.  Among the many questions asked in the song is, “Will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall?”  I have to ask myself, do I truly have even the slightest concept of the power, awe, and reverence for anything that it would take for me to simply fall to my knees in humility?  Our culture is so engrossed with fighting for your rights and rising from your knees – and there are times for those things – but there are also times for admitting that the world does not revolve around you.

Seriously, what or who would cause your tongue to fail you, and your head to bow as you fall to your knees out of fear, respect, humility, and awe?  A celebrity?  Michael Jordan?  Justin Beiber?  Bono?  Certainly not a politician, as they all become the target of accusations and disrespect the moment they are elected.  The Pope?  A huge, amazingly and ornately decorated 200-year-old cathedral?  Niagara Falls?  The Grand Canyon?  An Angel, perhaps, of the kind that the shepherds saw in the story of Jesus’ birth?  Anything?

I can think of very few things that are of this world that have that effect on me.  I don’t even really know where I’m going with this except to say that it is sad to me that things like humility, and reverence, and awe, and hallowed-ness, and even respect are becoming a lost art.  The bravado of youth can only get you so far in life.

If you do a Google image search using the phrase “hallowed ground”, what do you think you will see?  How about 90% basketball shoes,  multiple horror movies, an album by the Violent Femmes, and a handful of book covers ranging from golf to Gettysburg to Arlington National Cemetery?  Obviously, those last two come the closest to accurately representing modern-day hallowed ground.  Sadly, apart from a horror film or cemetery cross here and there, there was not a single image depicting anything pertaining to faith or religion.  The reason I say “sadly” is that “hallowed” actually means “to honor as holy”, and “holy” has its roots planted firmly in faith and religion.  Sometimes change is not good.

Basketball shoes?  Really?  How sad.

Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind – 3/9/11

•March 9, 2011 • 1 Comment

 


My wife wanted to buy some moth balls to keep the neighbor’s cats
from using our plant beds as a litter box.  I’m all for keeping the cats out,
but I just hate the thought of all those sweet little castrated moths.

Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind – 2/28/11

•February 28, 2011 • 1 Comment

I wonder if rams get concussions.  And what the NFL could learn from them?

Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind – 2/4/11

•February 4, 2011 • Leave a Comment

If an Iranian man wears a toupee, is it considered a Persian Rug?

Cross me and there will be Hades Hairpiece (Hell Toupee)!

(I am in no way implying that an Iranian is a dog.  Just a funny pic)

Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind – 1/6/11

•January 6, 2011 • Leave a Comment


I’ve found that if you wait long enough, ground beef browns itself.

I know what you did last year.

•December 30, 2010 • Leave a Comment

 

So much to be thankful for.

2010.  Where did it go?  Not only that, where did the entire decade go?  It seems like only yesterday we were fretting about the Y2K bug.  As I plow forward toward an inevitable collision with 40 years of age (but hey, not until 2012), each successive year seems to fly by even more quickly.

 

Do you ever have those days at work where, when you get home and someone asks, “How was your day?”, you can’t even remember what you did all day?  That’s pretty much how 2010 was for me.  Thankfully, things like Facebook (My Year In Status 2010) and even this blog help me remember.  Our lives are flooded with minutiae.  So much of our time and so many of our days are spent doing things that have absolutely no lasting meaning or staying power.  So, it’s always interesting to look back at things like the top news stories of any given year – stories that will act as milestones in our memories, and will forever be linked to 2010.  For me, those stories include the earthquake in Haiti, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, and the spellbinding rescue of the Chilean miners.

But what about our personal lives?  What in your life was significant enough that 2010 will always be linked to it in your mind.  Obviously, this includes bad news.  Perhaps you lost a parent, friend, or even child in 2010.  If so, I pray you find peace.  For me, things that stand out include the purchase of a house (You’re My Happy Place); quitting my day job (Life On The Limb); and starting a blog that will pass 10,000 hits before year’s end!

When I stop and think about things we’ve done with “meaning or staying power”, I find myself somewhat ashamed of how self-centered my life is.  We tithed to our church.  We donated consistently to our friend’s non-profit (Faces of Hope Children’s Therapy Center).  And yet, there are so many people who’s needs and struggles are so much greater than ours.

As 2010 comes to an end, we are so thankful for healthy children; for our warm and safe home that is often filled with the laughter of friends and children; for God’s provision through uncertain times; for grace; for the promise of a new year (based on the hope of Christ); for second chances.  May we make the most of them in 2011.

What rhymes with homonymy?

•December 29, 2010 • 1 Comment

Homonyms galore…

1: The bandage was wound around the wound.

2: The farm was used to produce produce.

3: The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4: We must polish the Polish furniture.

5: He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6: The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7: Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8: A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9: When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10: I did not object to the object.

11: The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12: There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13: They were too close to the door to close it.

14: The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15: A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16: To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17: The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18: Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19: I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20: How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?

As with all of my “keepers”, I did not write this.  I simply found it to be worthy of sharing.

Pun Intended

•December 28, 2010 • Leave a Comment

PUN INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but
don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar.  One was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste
funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
“I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says
Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
“Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you
can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
“Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it too. (boo hiss)

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ;
they name him “Juan.” Year’s later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re
twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)….. A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

As with all of my “keepers”, I did not write this.  I simply found it to be worthy of sharing.

 
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