Hearing and reading the Biblical Christmas Story (also known as the real one) this season made me wonder…
If Jesus came in from playing outside and left the door open,
do you think his mother, Mary, said,
“Were you born in a barn or something? Oh, right.”
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Smuggling Diamonds”
7. Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity…….
Send This List To Someone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called therapy.
As with all of my “keepers”, I did not write this. I simply found it to be worthy of sharing.
“Live in the day you’ve been given, instead of dwelling on the one you may not see.” – Marcus Rowe, 2010
I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. Perhaps too much. It’s easy to do, especially in the months leading up to Christmas. The kids force the issue with their constant “How many days until Christmas?” overtures. And yet, starting around Thanksgiving of this year, I started making a concerted effort to live life one day at a time, and to be thankful for each day lived. It sounds so simple. How hard could it be?
It’s actually quite difficult. As adults, we have so many “grown-up” concerns: The mortgage; the car payment; the bills in general; health issues; social issues; overloaded schedules; work deadlines; relationship issues; spiritual issues; the list goes on and on. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who feels that if I am not moving forward, I’m moving backwards. I feel as if a single day that does not show actual results of progress in some form or fashion is a total loss. That mentality is significantly at odds with trying to make the most of the very limited time I get to spend with two of my kids due to divorce. I want that time to be all about them, all about family.
And so, Thanksgiving and the several days after became my test run. I prayed for help in setting aside the many stressful concerns and fears that crowd my mind day in and day out, and I practiced “living in the day”. It was actually quite freeing in many ways. I felt as if the time I spent with family and friends was of a much higher quality – as if my heart was really in it.
Matthew 6:34 says, “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (New Living Translation) That is often hard to remember. I am a planner. I want to plant the seeds that I know will flourish tomorrow and in the days to come. I want the daily reassurance that I am doing something right and beneficial. I now realize that there are other, less obvious ways in which I do and receive these things. I am planting seeds in the hearts and lives of my children and my wife. How much joy will seeing those seeds flourish in the days and years to come bring to my heart? I receive daily reassurance in the form of the love and hugs and kisses and laughter I see, hear, and feel in my home. Living in the day is all about enjoying the bountiful blessings I’ve been given. We are not promised tomorrow. We take for granted waking up each new morning. We are only given today.
Last night, as I was putting my daughter to bed, I shared with her a phrase I have often heard and liked: “It’s not about having what you want, it’s about wanting what you have.” I feel that this saying is particularly true in the light of the Christmas season. I admit that “what you have” includes a lot of stressful “grown-up” issues and situations. But as this week becomes the long Christmas weekend, take some time to look around you. There is so much to be thankful for. Cherish each day, and try to rid your mind of everything but family, thankfulness, and the reason for the season, the baby Jesus.
The other day, I washed that rack we use to air-dry dishes next to the sink.
The trouble started when I couldn’t find a place to put it while it dried.
For those with no children – this is totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin , Texas .
Things I’ve learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies .
10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Parents will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
As with all of my “keepers”, I did not write this. I simply found it to be worthy of sharing.
I’ve written before about taking a leap of faith, (Sometimes, you just have to go out on a limb. After all, that’s where the fruit is.) and I stand by what I have written before. However, as someone who has now taken a huge leap of faith, quit my day job, and is out there on a limb, I have learned a few things.
First of all, some limbs are pretty flimsy. Don’t just walk out onto any old branch with tempting fruit. Do your due diligence and make sure the darn thing will hold up under the weight of changing circumstances.
Second, don’t try to take the easy way out by standing on the ground and reaching for low-hanging fruit. The old adage, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is” was written by someone who had been burned a few times.
Third, and most of all, while trees and their limbs can withstand all kinds of beatings from mother nature, they have to work to survive. It is windy out here on this limb. The wind (the twists and turns of life) is whipping me around in various directions. At times I am hanging on for dear life. It rains. It snows. It’s hot and sunny. Always changing. It’s uncomfortable – there’s no place to lay down and rest on a limb. I must always be on my guard. There are predators climbing this tree to get to me, and swooping down from the sky, competing for the same fruit. This is not easy.
So, when you are ready to leave the nest; when you are ready to take that leap of faith and go out on a limb, just be prepared for battle. Know when to stand firm. Learn how to bend, but not break. And remember, nothing worth having comes easily.
I had a sort of epiphany in Bible Study class on Sunday morning. We were discussing evangelism – The Greatest Privilege / Stewardship – and the Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How of doing it. Look, I do not consider myself to be very “book-wise” when it comes to scripture, so please don’t interpret any of this as me talking down to anyone. This was simply very eye-opening to me.
The comments that filled my head, but went unspoken, centered on avoiding hypocrisy and focusing on Jesus. My own experience with a certain Christian church, even though I have been a believer since the age of 13 or so, was filled with hypocrites and void of the love of Christ. If I, a believer, had an experience like this in a Christian church, how then will unbelievers come to the church, and why would they ever even want to know more about Jesus?
Almost any Christian is familiar with John 3:16. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” For me, this verse was the cornerstone of my Christian upbringing. However, not nearly as many people are familiar with the verses that follow. John 3:17-18 reads: “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn [or judge, NASB] the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned [or judged, NASB], but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.”
These verses – particularly verse 18 – affected me in this way: Far too many publicly or socially visible Christians today focus on everything but Jesus. What non-Christians see and hear is “Abortion is murder!”, “Homosexuality is an abomination!”, and other issues-based outcries. Who are we to judge? Yes, we claim our beliefs are based on scripture, which in our own minds validates our righteous anger. If anyone, ever, had the right to judge, and cast stones, and turn his back on humanity as a whole, it was Christ. And yet he did not come to judge, and still does not judge… those who believe.
Why then, are we not focused on making believers out of those with whom we do not agree, instead of trying to change their views? Why do we not simply seek to embody the love of Jesus to others, and trust the Holy Spirit to move their hearts to change according to His will? Do you really think you’re going to get your gay neighbor to come to church with you, and to want to know more about Jesus, by telling him that he is going to go to hell unless he becomes straight? Embody the unconditional love of Christ.
Here is another way to look at it. If Christ was physically here on Earth right now, would He be at your church? Would He be at any church? I don’t think so. During his lifetime on Earth, Jesus sought out those who most thought to be untouchable: prostitutes, lepers, adulterers, thieves, tax collectors, and more. It was here, among these, that His love and grace was most powerfully displayed.
John 3:16 says, “…whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Period. It does not say, “…whoever believes in him, and always votes Republican, shall not perish but have eternal life.” It does not say, “…whoever believes in him, and hasn’t had an abortion, shall not perish but have eternal life.” And while the Bible does say that homosexuals “shall not inherit the kingdom of God”, John 3:16 does not say, “…whoever believes in him, and is not a homosexual, shall not perish but have eternal life.” “Whoever believes in him is not condemned”. There is no condemnation in Christ.
This is not to say that we turn a blind eye on the sins of the world, which affect us all. During that same Bible study lesson, we also read 2 Timothy 4:2-4, which says, “Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage – with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.” We must somehow find a balance between condoning and condemning.
I don’t have all the answers. I have no divine understanding of scripture. But I think this is pretty clear: “Whoever believes in him is not condemned [or judged, NASB].” The focus is not to be on something as trivial as Republican or Democrat or Tea Party. It is not to be on baptism by sprinkle or submersion. It is not to be on denominational differences. It is not to be on racial or socioeconomic differences, or differences in sexual orientation. The focus must be Christ. To love like Jesus, we must keep the focus on Him.
I think Dell computers should hire a spokeswoman named “Adele”, and have people chasing her in their commercials shouting, “Get Adele! Get Adele!”
Why Parents Have Grey Hair (Read it all the way through…)
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I’ ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has also opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Ryan
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
**As with all of my “Keepers”, I did not write this. I simply found it to be worthy of sharing.
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
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In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
“Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”
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At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
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On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
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At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
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On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
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On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
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At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
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On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
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On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
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At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
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In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
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At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
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In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
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At a Propane Filling Station,
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
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And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
*** As with all of my “Keepers”, I did not write these. I simply found them to be worth sharing. -MR
Little Drops of Nectar 