Cows, The Constitution, & The Ten Commandments

•May 12, 2010 • 3 Comments

As with all of my “Keepers”, I did not write this.  I simply found it to be worth sharing.

Three Things to Ponder :

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow
epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of
Washington? Also, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E    C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .  Why don’t we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has
worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

T H E   1 0   C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this:
You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,”
and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians…It creates a hostile work environment .

The Death Void

•May 10, 2010 • 39 Comments

I’m not complaining.  Really.  The fact that I have gone more than a decade without attending a funeral is fine with me.  However, I believe I may have gotten a little too used to life with no element of death.  Likewise, my kids – 9, 8, and 8 years old – have lived their entire lives without experiencing this difficult but necessary part of life.  Oh, how I’m dreading it now.  My wife and I still have two living parents each.  In fact, our kids still have several great-grandmothers in the picture.  We haven’t lost any friends or relatives in some untimely manner.  The kids are too young to remember 9/11.  Other than multiple fish, they have never even experienced death by losing a pet.

We did take our three kids to the National Cemetery here in Nashville last Memorial Day.  We tried to make them understand that each of those identical white tombstones marks where someone who served our country is buried.  Judging by the way we had to keep telling them to quiet down and stop running (over the graves), I don’t think they got it.

My sister gave us a copy of “Where the Red Fern Grows” at Christmas, to read to the kids.  I’ve been avoiding it because as much as I loved that book when I read it as a child, it is a heartbreaking story.  The book vividly details how attached a child can become to his dog(s).  It then vividly details the pain of losing them.  Until recently, I thought that I would try to avoid upsetting them this way because I selfishly don’t like to see them cry.  Now I’m beginning to think that it may be one small way to begin to prepare them for what lies ahead.

Personally, I don’t like cemeteries.  My wishes are to be cremated and cast into the wind somewhere that is meaningful to my loved ones.  I haven’t been to my grandparents’ graves in probably a decade either.  I mean no disrespect.  I remember them all the time.  I can still hear their voices and see their faces and feel their love.  I prefer that their memories not be attached to a single earthly place.  I will prefer the same for myself.

So, while I certainly am thankful for these years of life without death, I feel as if I am living slightly outside of reality.  I am not sure I will handle the losses to come very well, but I pray that I can both prepare my kids (as best as possible) and explain to them (as best as possible) what death is and why it is a part of life.  I also hope to make them understand how blessed they are to have so many grandparents and great-grandparents at this stage of life.  I had all four of my grandparents until my freshman year in college.  Within a decade, they were all gone.

For now, we’ll take each day as it comes, letting those we love know how much we love them, appreciating each moment we share, and celebrating life.

Record Flooding Devastates Nashville, TN

•May 3, 2010 • 2 Comments

There are countless media outlets who can tell the story better than I can, but suffice it to say that Nashville, TN is under water.  On May 1st and 2nd, 2010, Nashville’s two-day rainfall record of approximately 6 1/2 inches was completely obliterated when the city received a whopping 13 1/2 inches of rain.  As I write this, around 8pm on May 3rd, the main river (the Cumberland) that snakes its way throughout the city is expected to finally crest at 52.5 feet.  Flood stage is closer to 40 feet.  The flood wall system, built in the 1960’s after a major flood, has a 50-foot flood wall to protect the core of downtown.  That wall still stands strong.  It’s just that the water has poured over it.

Downtown Nashville May 3, 2010

Downtown Nashville May 3, 2010

If you know anything about Nashville, or have ever been there, the list of significant and historic buildings and institutions that have been affected by flood waters is beyond belief:

Downtown Area:

Inside the flooded Opryland Hotel Cascades

Inside the “Swampryland” Hotel Cascades

Broadway from 1st through 5th Avenues
Tennessee Titans (NFL) Stadium
Bridgestone Arena (NHL Hockey, Concerts, etc.)
$120 million Schermerhorn Symphony Center
Country Music Hall of Fame & Museum
Countless businesses & restaurants

Opryland Area:

The Gaylord Opryland Hotel & Convention Center (pictured at right)
The Grand Ole Opry House (Mother Church of Country Music)

Opry Mills shopping complex

Inside the Grand Ole Opry House

Inside the Grand Ole Opry House

Not a single area of town has been spared.  Those who weren’t affected by the initial rainfall were inundated as the Cumberland River continued (continues?) to rise and levees broke or overflowed.  On

top of everything else, two major dams nearby are beginning to release water down stream because the water levels on the other side are too high.

At any rate, the point is that Nashville, TN will never be the same after the great flood of 2010.  Today is May 3rd.  It did not rain in Nashville today.  However, this is already the wettest May on record for Nashville, and the 5th wettest month period.

Crack House + Bill Engvall + Volcano Taco =

•April 22, 2010 • 1 Comment

My wife and I are looking at houses, hoping to buy in the near future.  We actually had an accepted offer on the little house of our dreams until we pulled it yesterday.  Call us crazy, but we just didn’t want to pay for $20,000 in structural upgrades to make it stable.  Thankfully, the good Lord and the structural engineer who inspected it were on our side.

The Money Pit

As I look back on it, I realize that this seemingly storybook house was a good $30,000 less than most of the other homes we were looking at, and I realize that there’s a reason for that.   If you find a house that seems perfect for you – the right size, a nice yard – at half the price of similar homes, there’s a reason (it’s probably wedged in between a crack house and the railroad tracks).  And don’t get me started on the falsification of the photographs that accompany real estate listings.  If you find a house that appears – via those online photos – to have everything you’ve ever dreamed of, in a great neighborhood, at a great price, but it’s been on the market for a year and a half, there’s a reason (could be that sink-in-the-master-bedroom thing…  Or termites… Or black mold…)

Of course, as far as houses go, we’re still looking for that one exception to the rule – that diamond in the rough that flies mysteriously under everyone else’s radar but ours, and turns out to be everything it appears to be.  In the end, however, we may succumb to the whole “you get what you pay for” mentality and call it a day.  If it seems to good too be true, it probably is.

I’ve realized lately that the whole “there’s a reason” concept applies to many different areas of my life, including people.  It’s kind of like the old Bill Engvall routine, “Here’s your sign.”  For instance, if you walk into a room and everyone quickly moves to create a buffer zone between themselves and you – there’s a reason (you could probably use a shower).  If you’ve noticed that fewer and fewer of your “friends” are replying to your several-times-a-day calls, texts, and emails – there’s a reason (chillax on the contacts, Max).  If you’re my ex-wife instead of my wife…  Well, never mind.

Some of these “there’s a reason” mentalities can be more serious and hard to accept.  I’m not about to say it to anyone’s face (there but for the grace of God go I) but samples would be:  If you’re stuck in a dead end job, there’s a reason (you’re afraid to take a leap of faith and try something new).  If your dating relationships keep ending abruptly, there’s a reason (could be that “need a shower” thing).  If your life seems lost and aimless and hopeless and lonely, there’s a reason (accept the reality that there is something more to this life).

There are every day applications as well.  If your car’s engine sounds like gravel in hub cap, there’s a reason (you thought Jiffy Lube said, “every 30,000 miles”).  If your stomach is a painful cauldron of bubbling lava, there’s a reason (Taco Bell doesn’t call it the “Volcano Taco” for nothing).  If you got kicked off the reality show you further neglected your children to appear on, there’s a reason  (not that I’ve ever watched a reality show…).

If you read all the way to the end of this post, there’s a reason (you really hate your job and would do anything to keep from actually doing it.  OR, you laughed at or related to at least one thing I said, in which case you should probably go ahead and subscribe to this blog!).  Thanks for stopping by.

Pockets full of Cauliflower

•April 20, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Last night at dinner, my 9-year-old daughter, Liv, got a little creative.  She isn’t very fond of cauliflower, although she likes it more than broccoli.  She will usually force it down while holding her nose.  In typical fashion, I didn’t have a clue.  I was too busy scarfing down the breaded tilapia, etc. to notice that the cauliflower had disappeared rather rapidly from Liv’s plate.  My wife astutely inquired, “Did you already eat your cauliflower?”  Liv said, “Yes, and it didn’t taste very good at all!”  That was good enough for me.  My wife, however, knew better.  She glanced under the table, expecting to see it on the floor or in Liv’s lap.  Nope.  Then she asked, “Is it in your pocket?”  Liv grinned and caved.  She was wearing a cardigan sweater with loose pockets on the front, and they were packed with cauliflower!  Needless to say, she had a lovely time picking off the lint before eating every last bite!

Cauliflower Pockets Liv

Cauliflower Pockets Liv

I have similar stories for my other kids too.  Like the time Sam was about 4 or 5, and was eating some chicken nuggets in the other room.  I saw him go into the kitchen and put something in the trash.  Then he came bouncing down the hall asking for desert.  I said, “Did you eat all of your chicken?”  Sam said, “Uh-huh!”  I said, “So, what did you put in the trash can?”  Sam said, “Chicken!”

Now, when I was a kid, I was certain that I was smarter than my parents.  It only got worse when I became a teenager, so Lord knows there will be greater challenges ahead!  I’m certainly not in a hurry for them to grow up any faster than they already are.  However, I am so interested and curious to see how they grow, learn, and evolve into young adults.

I’m curious to see which of the tricks, lies, and scams I used in my childhood will rear their ugly heads again.  As a parent, I feel that same confidence in the fact that I am smarter than my kids.  However, they will surely come up with new and creative ways to pull the wool over our eyes!  I’m going to start now trying to channel my inner teenager so I can think like them!

I’m starting to envy Benjamin Button…

•April 16, 2010 • 1 Comment

Sam, Liv, and Sophia

My dad used to tell this joke – one of many in his arsenal – where he said that when he went away to college, he wrote home and told his mom that he had grown a foot since he’d been home.  She sent him three socks.

Tomorrow, I will perform the annual ritual of measuring how much my twins have grown in the past year.  It’s their 8th birthday.  Last year, I recall, Sophia grew 3 inches in a single year.  That still blows me away.  The only clear indication of something like that is how they all start to look like Huck Finn as pants involuntarily become Capri-style.

The passage of time is so much more evident when you spend any significant amount of time around kids.  They don’t even have to be yours.  I remember, just two or three years ago, going to my friend Brian’s son’s 13th birthday party.  His son was this scrawny, somewhat awkward little kid back then.  Now he’s as tall as me and more muscular.  When did that happen?

This concept is heightened even more for me in light of the fact that I am divorced from my kids’ mother, and I don’t get to see them nearly often enough.  A month goes by and I may have only seen them for 10 days or so.  A year goes by and it’s scary to realize how much I’ve missed.  Time is a runaway train.

As a child, summers used to seem endless – like a massive, wide open field of grass where you could run and run and run and never reach the other side.  Now, at 37, three months are scarcely enough time to plan a vacation.

I’m starting to envy Benjamin Button.  Wouldn’t it be great to know what you know now, and be able to “plan” your childhood and teenage years and twenties in the same way that you now “plan” your retirement?  Can you imagine “retiring” at 30 instead of 65 or 70?  That would give an entirely different meaning to enjoying your retirement.  The funny thing is, there would still be so many similarities in everyone’s “sunset years”.  You still may end up wearing a diaper, needing someone to feed you, and falling asleep in a rocking chair.

All I know for sure is that it is a truly amazing thing to watch a child grow, and to grow and evolve yourself throughout your adult life.  I get pretty teary-eyed just looking at pictures of my kids from years past.  It just goes so fast.  They laugh now when we tell them that they’re going to be 16 before they know it, and then 21, and then 40.  I would never want my kids to stop growing and learning and developing, but I sure would love to have the option of slowing it down some times.

Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind 4/15/10

•April 15, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I don’t think my doctor likes me very much.  He keeps giving me the finger.

Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind 4/13/10

•April 13, 2010 • Leave a Comment

If you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at others.  Loudly.

iPhone to Leapfrog Verizon, Launch at Cricket Wireless

•April 13, 2010 • Leave a Comment

The Rotten Onion - America's Fakest News Source4/13/2010 Cupertino, California – In a move that has the global technology sector chirping, Apple Inc. (AAPL) CEO Steve Jobs confirmed that the “carrier” (disease?) that will end AT&T’s stranglehold on the iPhone will not be Verizon or Sprint, but will instead be Cricket Communications, Inc., a leading provider of unlimited wireless services and subsidiary of Leap Wireless International Inc. (LEAP 17.76, +0.08, +0.45Cricket iPhone%).

The move comes on the heels of Cricket’s March 23rd launch of new nationwide coverage in all 50 states as part of their enhanced, value-driven, simplified service plans.

A launch date has not yet been made public.  Reportedly, the Cricket iPhone will run OS 4, will only be available in green, and will have longer antennae than other iPhones.

Future plans may also include a green-only Cricket-branded version of the iPad called – what else? – The LilyPad.

“Love” in the eyes of a child

•April 12, 2010 • Leave a Comment

(As with all of my “keepers”, I did not write this.  I just found it to be worth sharing!)

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So, my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca- age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss”
Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,”
Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.  He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image)
Karen – age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”
Mark – age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica – age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.  The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.  The winner was a four-year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.  Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.  When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

“Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

 
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